Q & A with Connor Muller
What a privilege it’s been while creating the dance project The Hidden War to meet and connect with men who are living testaments to the statement; “There is strength in becoming vulnerable.” In order to create this project we asked a handful of men to portray a range of emotions to show men too have emotional depth and experience more than we often see expressed. Connor depicts the emotion ‘Self loathing.’ We then went one step further and asked these men to speak on this emotion. Written below are the answers Connor courageously agreed to put down on paper for you and I to read.
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly for the benefit of others. Now let’s dive in.
Q: Why did you choose the emotion of self loathing?
A: I chose self loathing because I have had many experiences in my life where I was made to feel wrong, stupid, insignificant, worthless and weak among other things. Years of this type of reminder / exposure made me believe these things.
Q: Why does this emotion resonate with you?
A. This emotion resonates with me because I have felt this many times in my life and it has blocked me from reaching my full potential in many areas of my life.
Q: What do you think about the statement, “We must FEEL in order to HEAL?”
A: ‘We must FEEL in order to HEAL’ resonates with me very closely. After years of substance abuse and avoiding my true emotions I have learned that the only way to grow and develop as a person is by accepting what you feel, no matter what the external environment and culture tells you to do. After breaking free from substances I went / am still going through the raw pain that I had put on the shelf for so many years, it has been overwhelming to say the least. But since this change in lifestyle I have come closer to knowing myself than I ever have before. In order to live your truth you must first accept and understand what you are feeling, allow yourself to feel it fully and deeply and then decipher/meditate on what part of your life caused you to react with this emotion, it’s painful but will work best in the long run. Numbing agents keep you from experiencing the beauty of life.
Q: Have you personally felt the effects of toxic masculinity in regards to your chosen emotion?
A: I have felt the effects of toxic masculinity through my life. As men, we are regarded as pillars of strength and our culture tells us that it is weak to reveal our pain. This has affected my relationships with people purely out of the fear that if I show my pain, I will be rejected. And feeling a lot of pain made me feel very weak, and I therefore believed deep down that I was weak and therefore fell into a state of self loathing.
Q: What do you think the future generations need to understand to see men’s mental health improve?
A: Future generations need to understand that society doesn’t need to define you. You don’t need to conform to societal standards in order to find happiness. We have so many rules, structures and belief systems that we are born into. Free your mind, question everything, accept yourself 100% flaws and all. Forgive. Find strength in vulnerability. Be creative, expressive, don’t run from pain, feel in to it so that you understand how to make changes in your life for the better. Practice self care, do something that restores your energy through non-drug related means, read books, have a bath. Say affirmations to yourself daily. Learn how to meditate. Learn how to love yourself. Realise that you are divine and capable of so much more than society makes it seem.
Guest writer: Connor Muller
From the team at Valour Projects.